


Three Lawyers in a Boat (To Say Nothing of Donna)

by TamIsMyFather



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: CPR, Community: Suitsmeme, Drowning, Gen, Humor, Injured!Mike, Shipwreck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-10
Updated: 2012-05-10
Packaged: 2017-11-05 02:52:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/401655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamIsMyFather/pseuds/TamIsMyFather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Pearson Hardman crew is stranded at sea after a shipwreck. How will they survive, and more importantly, who will they eat first?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Lawyers in a Boat (To Say Nothing of Donna)

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Три мудреца в одном тазу](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1663646) by [Kaellig](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaellig/pseuds/Kaellig)



> Originally written for a prompt on the Suits meme by phreakycat: "Harvey, Mike, Donna, Louis, Jessica, and/or any other characters that you want are on a large private yacht. The ship goes down somewhere far from shore, and the survivors all end up drifting together in a life raft."

Harvey was certain that this was all Mike's fault.

The fact that Mike looked utterly miserable did nothing to disabuse him of the notion.

“What was that noise?” Mike had asked, looking out over the side of the yacht where they were holding the Annual Pearson Hardman Gala Extravaganza.

“That's the sound of Harvey's ego getting bigger,” Donna had said.

“Well, it must be pretty heavy, because I think we're sinking,” Mike had replied.

So yeah, definitely Mike's fault.

Though come to think of it, it had been Louis's idea to hold the Annual Pearson Hardman Gala Extravaganza on the world's least seaworthy yacht, so maybe Harvey had better rethink his notion of how to assign blame.

“Someone's getting sued for this,” Jessica muttered from where she was crouched at the end of the lifeboat. Her gorgeous and highly expensive dress was soaked through with seawater, and likely ruined. Harvey could sympathize; his own suit was completely unsalvageable. He was glad he'd insured it beforehand. Mike's suit looked even worse—which to Harvey's eyes meant that there was no discernible difference between how he'd looked before the shipwreck and how he looked now.

Donna looked impeccable and completely dry.

“I assume this thing has supplies?” Louis asked.

Jenny shifted from her position next to Mike and knelt at the bottom of the boat. “There are some life preservers here…” She handed them out to each person.

“I'm not wearing that,” Mike wheezed.

“Mike, I know it hurts, but it's for your own safety,” Jenny said patiently.

“Can't _breathe_ ,” Mike gasped, pushing her away.

“It's a broken rib, not a punctured lung,” Harvey said testily. The sinking of the yacht might have been Louis's fault, but the injury was definitely something Mike had brought on himself.

It wasn't  _Harvey's_ fault Mike had needed CPR.

Rachel tugged the life vest out of Jenny's hands. “I'll put it on him,” she said. Jenny frowned, but didn't protest.

Louis made the mistake of stating the obvious. “We don't have any water.”

Donna gestured all around. “There's plenty, actually. Help yourself.”

“Water, water, everywhere, and all the boards did shrink,” Mike gasped. “Water, water, everywhere, and not a—” He winced and clutched at his chest. “Ow.”

Harvey smirked. “If I'd known a broken rib would get you to shut up, I would have found an excuse to give you CPR a lot sooner.”

“I am so glad I threw up on you,” Mike said, looking faint.

“Boys,” Jessica warned. “Louis is right—”

“Well, there's a first time for everything.”

“—and we need to find some water.” She glared. “So maybe you should stop bickering and try and do something _productive_.”

Donna glanced up. “We don't have any food, either.”

“We can get food,” Louis sneered. “The ocean's full of fish.”

“I vote we follow the Custom of the Sea,” Harvey suggested.

Rachel frowned. “Isn't that just cannibalism?”

“We weren't on the _Mignonette_ , Harvey,” Jessica snapped.

Harvey ignored her. “We could start with Louis,” he went on.

“What?” Louis asked.

“Ew, I'm not eating Louis,” Donna said.

Louis rounded on her. “ _What_ ?”

“Come on, Louis,” Harvey said with a grin. “Be our Richard Parker.”

Louis gaped. “If we're going to resort to cannibalism, I have to point out that  _Ross_ is the injured one.”

“No one's eating Mike,” Rachel and Jenny said in unison.

“He's not kosher,” Donna added.

“That depends on how you kill him,” Harvey couldn't resist saying.

Mike sucked in a painful breath of air. “I  _am_ pretty likely to get pneumonia in this condition,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Oh, _there's_ a great meal,” Jessica muttered. “Sorry, Louis, but the kid's too skinny to be worth it.”

Louis turned. “You're not seriously going along with Harvey's idea, are you?”

“You're the one who suggested eating Skin and Bones over there,” she pointed out.

“Harvey was the one who said we should resort to _cannibalism_!” he sputtered.

“Only if gets rid of you,” Harvey said. “After that, we can draw lots.”

“This is the worst boat trip ever,” Mike said. He was sweating profusely.

Jenny patted his arm affectionately. “Hey, I had fun. Until the ship sank, anyway.”

“You mean the part where I drowned?”

“Yeah, it was fun until that part.”

“Oh, that part was pretty fun, too,” Donna said. “Or at least, the part immediately after. I didn't even know Harvey could do that with his mouth.”

Harvey frowned. “You have pictures, don't you?”

“From four different angles.”

Rachel finally managed to finish squeezing Mike into the life vest. “Could I get a copy?” she asked Donna quietly.

“Me too,” Mike wheezed. At the surprised look on Jenny's face, he explained. “I want proof that Harvey Specter cares.”

“I saved your life,” Harvey pointed out. “I performed an act of _heroism_.”

Mike managed a tiny smile. “ _Harvey Specter cares_ ,” he singsonged, slightly green.

“You'd have drowned if I hadn't resuscitated you, and you're going to mock me?” Harvey asked.

“The boy's entitled,” Jessica said. “This whole thing was your fault.”

Harvey stared. “What… How is it  _my_ fault?”

“I don't have time to answer all these questions,” she said dismissively. “All I know is that you owe me a new dress.”

Louis smirked. “Ooh, Harvey has to go dress shopping.”

“Maybe you should help me, Louis,” he shot back, “Since you seem to be so experienced at it.”

“I could really use some water,” Mike moaned.

“There isn't any,” Rachel said, smoothing his hair.

“You know, people lost at sea used to drink their own urine,” Mike said deliriously, pushing her away and reaching out for Jenny's hand.

“Still better than eating Louis,” Donna said.

“ _What_?” Louis asked.

“Mike, sweetie, you need to stop talking,” Jenny said gently. Mike nodded and lapsed into silence.

“Is that all it takes?” Harvey asked with a raised eyebrow. “I just have to call him ' _Sweetie_ '?”

“You made out with him. I think you're past the terms of endearment stage,” Donna said.

“What, ' _Hey, you_ ' isn't affectionate enough?”

Donna looked offended. “Harvey. I thought that was your special name for  _me_ .”

“Sorry. It's going to be hard to keep track, especially since I apparently have to add Mike to my little black book now.”

“I was prepared for that. He's been in there for months,” Donna said. “But after this disaster of a date, I doubt he'll ever call you back.”

“I know where to find him.”

Jessica raised her voice. “Do I need to remind you two of Pearson Hardman's workplace fraternization policy again?” she asked wearily.

Rachel's eyes widened. “What do you mean, ' _again_ '?”

“The first time was nobody's fault,” Harvey said.

“I just couldn't keep my hands off him,” Donna said seriously.

“It was very distracting,” Harvey cut in.

“Hardly any work was getting done.”

“Are you kidding?” he asked. “I had to work twice as hard to keep up with you.”

“Flatterer.” She waved a hand dismissively. “But keep going.”

“You guys are giving me a headache,” Mike said, giving up on silence. “And for the record, Harvey doesn't even rate in my top ten.”

“You don't have enough for a top ten,” Harvey said immediately.

“He's got a point though,” Donna said. “Good kisses traditionally make your heart _stop._ ”

“I brought him back to life,” Harvey said indignantly.

“And then I threw up on you,” Mike said. “Doesn't really speak to your skill.” He winced again and curled into a ball. “Oh God this is the worst pain ever,” he moaned. Jenny smoothed his hair this time, rolling her eyes as Rachel squeezed his hand.

“There, there,” Donna said. “It could be worse. You could be eating Louis.”

Louis made an exasperated noise in the back of his throat. “Seriously. Why don't you want to eat me?”

“Don't answer that,” Jessica said.

“I could really use some sort of pain medication,” Mike went on softly as Rachel and Jenny continued to glare at each other over his prone form. “Morphine would be nice…”

They ignored him. “I just don't like how nobody appreciates me,” Louis complained. “Even being dead isn't good enough for them.”

“What are you talking about?” Harvey asked. “I would be fine with killing and eating you.”

“Thank you so much,” he said. “Nice to know there's a situation where I could finally make you happy.”

“I didn't say it would make me happy.”

“No one. Is eating. _Anyone_ ,” Jessica hissed. “We are going to wait here until rescue comes.”

“I think Mike passed out,” Rachel said.

“He'll be fine,” Jessica snapped. “Right now, we're going to figure out what to do about food and water.”

“Maybe Harvey could kiss him awake a second time,” Donna said.

“Not if it leads to accusations of caring,” Harvey said cheerfully.

Jenny rolled Mike onto his back. “I hope he doesn't need CPR again,” she said worriedly.

Rachel hovered over them. “I'm certified for CPR,” she said.

Jenny glanced around in disbelief. “Is there anyone else I should know about who wants to make out with my boyfriend?”

“Just so you know,” Harvey interrupted, “Next time someone needs CPR, it's Louis's turn.”

“Oh, just let me drown,” Donna said in a stage whisper.

“So how about catching some fish?” Jessica asked of no one in particular.

“I'd do CPR better than you,” Louis said. “I wouldn't break anyone's ribs, to start.”

“Good point,” Harvey said. “Technically the sternum isn't a rib.”

“I'll just catch some fish by myself,” Jessica went on. “Maybe if I wish them here, they'll jump into the boat and we'll all live happily ever after.”

“Mike, wake up,” Rachel said.

Jenny shook him. “Mike, Harvey says you're late.” He stirred slightly, then went back to sleep.

“Does that usually work?” asked Rachel.

“More often than you'd think,” Jenny replied.

“There's no place like home,” Jessica muttered. “There's no place like home.”

“I saved his life,” Harvey was saying. “If you'd done it, he probably would have suffered serious brain damage.”

“Like you would have noticed,” Louis sneered.

“I like my associate's brain the way it is, thank you very much.”

“Get a load of this guy's life preserver,” Mike mumbled. “Dork thinks he's gonna drown.”

“He's quoting!” Jenny said excitedly. “That's a good sign.”

“God, I hope he doesn't die,” said Rachel. “Those would be terrible last words.”

“You're all fired,” Jessica continued. “All of you. Even the girlfriend. How any of you can maintain focus when you're at work is beyond me.”

“I'm not sure he doesn't already have some form of brain damage,” Louis was saying. “His mind is _freaky_.”

“You jealous?” Harvey taunted.

“Are _you_?”

“Wait,” Jenny said. “Did I just get fired?”

“I think he's waking up,” Rachel said.

Mike sat up and stared around groggily. “I din't gotoHarvard,” he slurred.

Louis pointed at him. “You hear that? He can't even remember going to Harvard now!”

“He might still need CPR,” Rachel said hopefully.

“I'm sure I can manage it,” Jenny responded.

Mike blinked in confusion. “I don't plan on drowning a second time,” he said between coughs.

Harvey turned away from Louis. “Were you planning it the _first_ time?”

“Yes,” Mike wheezed. “I planned to drown just so you could revive me and break my ribs in the process. Thanks for that, by the way.”

“You're welcome.”

“The next person who says anything about how to survive at sea gets made partner,” Jessica said desperately.

“I wouldn't have broken his ribs,” Louis told Jenny.

“You wouldn't have revived him,” Rachel said.

Jenny smiled politely. “What she said.”

“I'm glad you're still alive,” Harvey said to Mike. “I'd really hate to interview more associates.”

“So sorry my drowning inconvenienced you.”

Harvey nodded sagely. “I forgive you. In the future, try harder not to die.”

“Weren't there other lifeboats?” Jenny asked, squinting through the darkness. “There have to be other survivors out there.”

“Yes!” Louis said, leaning over the edge. “We can eat them instead.”

Rachel stared. “Unless we find Kyle out there, I know who _I'm_ voting gets eaten first,” she muttered.

Jenny smiled at her. “I am right there with you.”

“Maybe I'll take off my dress,” Jessica said. “Spend my last few days completely naked.”

Mike struggled to push himself up and toppled onto Harvey. “Ow!” he hissed.

“Are you in pain?” Harvey asked.

“Yes!”

“Good. That means you're not dead.”

“I really like your dress, by the way,” Jenny said absently.

“Oh. Thank you,” Rachel said. “It's kind of ruined now.”

“It still looks really nice,” Jenny said.

“You think? I wasn't sure.”

“Mine looks awful.”

Rachel shook her head. “No, you look fine.”

“You're seriously talking about your dresses?” Louis asked, appalled. Jessica perked up hopefully. “Look at _me_. I am never going to fix this suit.”

“I've been thinking,” Mike said. He winced again. “Ow.”

“I'll skip the obvious joke,” Harvey conceded.

“Thank you. Where's Donna?”

“I'm right here,” Donna said, glancing up from her cell phone.

“Does that thing actually—” Mike gasped. “ _Oh God it hurts so much_.” He slumped down and buried his head in Harvey's shoulder.

“There, there,” Harvey said absently. He turned his attention to Donna. “Does that thing actually work?”

“Of course,” she said. “I've been texting Ray. He'll be here in ten minutes.”

Mike laughed hysterically. “What, he's gonna drive a limo to the middle of the ocean?” The laughter quickly turned to tears of pain.

“Don't be ridiculous,” Donna said. “He'll take the helicopter.”

Jessica seized Donna's shoulders. “Is someone coming to rescue us?”

Harvey smirked. “Ray's never let me down before.”

“Donna, I could kiss you,” said Jessica.

“Me too,” Louis said. Donna gave him a look. “Or I… won't,” he added hastily.

Jenny and Rachel surprised everyone by sharing an enthusiastic hug.

“I guess we're going home,” Mike said drowsily.

Harvey glanced down at his associate, huddled up against him. His face was pale and wan, his breathing ragged. He shuddered with every breath he drew, fighting the terrible pain in his chest. The bulky life vest just made him look small in comparison, emphasizing how helpless and vulnerable he really was.

Harvey had to fight a sudden urge to push Mike overboard.

“Yeah,” he said instead. “We're going home.”

He promised himself he'd push his associate overboard next time.

After all, this was  _definitely_ Mike's fault.


End file.
